Even as a child, I have already felt that fire of manhood, that longing to be in the battlefield, to slay the enemy no matter how many wounds I’d have to endure. And being in the battlefield didn’t always mean that I had to grasp a sword. The “battlefield” was any arena where I could excel. When I found out that I could write, I began spending every day of my life trying to improve my writing skills. So that I could excel. So that I could win. And more importantly, so that I could defeat someone. The same thing happened when I realized that somehow I can excel in the physical sciences. Like every other man, I have dreamed of being better than the rest. And like the many little boys who never would have bought a book by an unknown author named Joann Kathleen Rowling but might have thought otherwise if she used the androgynous pseudonym J. K. Rowling, I grew up nurturing an irrational desire to be superior to women.
After 26 years of my life, I finally found out why I’ve always wanted to win my own little wars and why I waged them in the first place. All this time, I’ve been marching repeatedly to the battlefields of life because I hungered for the beautiful feeling of coming home. And I wanted someone to be there when I come home wounded. It was never my instinct, as it has never been an instinct of any man, to dream of being superior to women. But I did want to be superior to women anyway. Because there is nothing more natural than a man’s instinctive desire to take care of a woman. I wanted to be superior because I was afraid that no woman would ever let me take care of her if I were inferior to them.
Ours is an era of monumental social changes. And monumental shortcomings of a society rushing to reform itself. In this era, it is wrong to believe that men should be superior to women. Gender Equality is a virtue that must be upheld by any respectable person. Yet in this grossly romantic world, it is still perfectly okay for a woman to say, “I want to find a lover who’s much stronger and more successful than I am, someone who can be proud to say someday that he only had all those achievements because he was inspired by me.” A woman who says that is a romantic, deemed by society as wise and sophisticated. But if a man says the same thing in public, he is a shameless gold-digger, period!
When a poor boy who grows up to become a millionaire rescues his beloved woman from the abominable pit of poverty, he is called a romantic. But when a poor boy escapes poverty after marrying a wealthy, beautiful woman, no matter how sincere his intentions are, no matter how pure his love is, he will never be called a romantic. He will only earn that description when he moves heaven and earth to match her success.
Everywhere, you hear men being taught to give way to the more competent women. And in those same places, men are being taught that women will only fall for the man who can outdo them. It is right for a man to accept defeat to a woman. But it is also still right for a man to accept that defeat with a deep bitterness. The princess should be free to go as far as she wants and as far as her talents can take her. But if a man wants to be her prince, he still has to be one step ahead of her.
I understand why the early warriors had been so fearless. When your happiness as a man—your hope of being loved by a woman—rests on your capability to prove your virility through war, why should you hesitate to pick up your weapons and go to war? If you’re a man today and your happiness greatly depends on how you can turn yourself into an adorable prince—someone who has the right to rescue a princess—why would you not do anything to become a prince? And if being a prince meant that you have to be superior to the romantic princess, why would you not do anything to be superior to women? Love drives heroes to fight their noble wars. It is the one thing that drrives poor boys to become great men. And it is the hunger for that love that forces the most kind-hearted men to become chauvinist pigs.
In the offices and institutions, the battle for gender equality is being won. More and more women are gaining access to career opportunities that had long been unjustly beyond their reach. But in the homes, on the streets, in the neighborhoods, the pall of defeat looms. Marriages are in turmoil because men can’t stand the pressure of being less successful than their wives. Somehow, they think that their failure to match their wives’ success is tantamount to impotence. The women, on the other hand, feel disappointed by their husbands’ failure to become the admirable princes of their dreams. And even if both the insecure husband and the powerful wife are happy in their home, when they walk on the street, they will still be mocked. He for being a gold-digger and she for being naïve.
Gender Equality is not just about the women having the right to become warriors. It’s also about the men having the right to stay home and take care of the children when the woman goes to war. It is about the man’s embrace being as sweet as that of any woman when the fearless female warrior comes home bleeding. It is not just about the women proving that they are stronger. It is also about the men humbly accepting that they are weaker and the rest of society not ridiculing them for that. It’s not just about letting the women reach the top. It is also about the men at the bottom being free to love the women at the top. It’s not just a matter of letting the wives become superior to their husbands. It is a matter of assuring each husband that no matter how inferior he is to his wife, he could still take care of her, she could still rest her head on his shoulder, he could still caress her gently as if she was the most fragile thing in this world. Gender Equality is not just about success. It’s about acceptance. It is not just a matter of letting the men and the women compete fairly. More than anything, it is a matter of letting the men and the women love freely.
I have always been fascinated by the great men who had accomplished amazing achievements because they were inspired by the women they loved. John Keats being inspired by Fanny Brawne, Petrarch by Laura, Jose Rizal by Leonor Rivera, Percy Byshe Shelly by his wife Mary and Pierre Curie by Marie (The last two men, incidentally, were outdone by their wives.). And I wonder, how many women had been inspired by men to accomplish great things but were never able to do as they had dreamed because they lived in chauvinistic times? How much better could this world have become if only those ambitious women were free to spread their wings? How much more meaningful would the lives of those men have been if they knew they were the inspiration of those great women? Maybe someday, men, like women, will feel pride in just being the inspiration of their successful spouses. For the good of humanity, that day will have to come soon.
Today, the warriors are still marching to the battlefields of life. Some of them are men, some women. Some will be triumphant. Some will go home wounded. But whatever happens in the battlefield, they’ll all want to do what matters most afterwards. Be they men or women, triumphant or wounded, they will all want to come home.
May all the world’s warriors go home in peace.
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