The Littlest Doubts, The Littlest Fears

No matter how hard you strive to live your life well, there just comes a point when you are struck by the pointlessness of it all. Because sooner or later, like anything that's great, like anything that's worthless, it is going to end. And when that realization comes, the only thing you'd want to ask for is a beautiful death.

How am I going to die?

A martyr? Maybe one day, as I walk in the streets of Manila, I'll see a little child--a grimy little vagrant--suddenly freezing out of fear in the middle of the street. A bus speeds towards her direction, threatening to run over her, but she does not move. For fear has already numbed her body and, for a few seconds, killed her mind. Should I save her? Of course I should. Maybe I'll die afterwards. maybe we'll both die. But either way, how would people call me afterwards? A martyr? Perhaps. Isn't that a beautiful way to conclude a life? All lives will end anyway. Why not end it this way? The good, altruistic way. And then after death, perhaps I'll ascend to heaven. Or maybe not. But isn't that what makes death beautiful, what makes heroism praiseworthy? The fact that no one knows for sure what comes after death?

But what if...? What if I have always been sure about heaven? What if I have always been sure that an all-powerful God would take my soul to heaven if i die a good man? If that's the case, if there is never any reason for me to fear the afterlife, then what fears would I feel when death stares me in the eye? And If I have no fear to feel, what do I have to conquer when I'm about to commit an act of martyrdom? If I am absolutely certain about the existence of heaven, then isn't an act of martyrdom just a way of giving myself a chance to enter it? And if so, what reason would anyone have to praise me or even any other martyr? And if there's really a God up there, what reason would he have to be pleased with me?

Will I die a patriot? Maybe one day, I'll find myself in the battlefield, fighting for my country alongside aother valiant men, clutching a firearm--no, embracing it--while abandoning my dreams of a good life as I and my comrades march to our death.

"Even if I live a thousand times," I'll say to myself, I will also die as many times. But how many times could I possibly have a death as beautiful as this? And after this,if the Buddhists are right, I'll just live again.Or If i am to belive my own Christian faith, I'll just ascend to heaven. Had I been younger, I'd pray for god to appear beforethe entire battalion and assure us that he really exists. But things are different now. A part of me wants to have a beautiful afterlife. But somehow, a part of me also wants to remain afraid. Because a part of me wants to believe that I am not abandoning my loved ones just to move on to a wonderful afterlife. That is the part of me that wants to be a hero. The part that wants to be remembered as a friend, a son, a brother. Someone who is not moving on to something better. This day, this death, this courage..they are only meaningful because nobody knows for sure what will happen when I die in the battlefield. If suddenly, God shows Himself to us and tells us what lies beyond death, then I, like all heroes, would never be called one. I would not even be a friend. Not even a son. Not even a brother. I'd just be a deserter. A coward eager to seek refuge in heaven. A weakling hurriedly escaping from the tough battlefield called life.

"So, God, if you are really up there, heed your child. Please take not our doubts about you. Take not our courage."

Will I die a man of faith? I hope so. Each night, I pray to God and ask for his grace. I pray that he protect all my friends, my family, my people. And i do so not because He has commanded me to. I pray for my loved ones because I love my loved ones.

But what if one day, god walks on this earth and assures us that all this time, he has been up there, waiting for the ascension of his beloved children? What would I possibly pray for? If I already know for sure that all my good loved ones would simply ascend to heaven if they die, what reason would I have to pray for their safety? And if I find myself standing face to face with Him, what would I say?


"Hide, my God!" I'd say. "Do you realize how pointless our lives have become since you had come here for everyone to see? Wasn't it you who taught me to be a good man? But how can I be a good man now? I want to be a kind neighbor. But any kindness I can offer anyone is nothing compared to the bliss awaiting him in heaven. I want to help people, save them! But each time I save someone, I am just prolonging his agony in this world and delaying his ascension to paradise. I want to wish people well...wish them the best! But right now, because we know what we know, the best thing that could happen to anyone is to die! Is that what a good man must do now? to kill them all?

"Can't You see? Doubt is the one thing that makes faith possible. Fear is the only reason why there is courage. Now that you are here before us all, there is no reason for me to doubt. that's why there is no reason for me to have faith.Now that i know that you'll be taking all good people to heaven, I have no reason to be afraid. No reason to be brave. Bring them back, my God! Bring them back! My littlest doubts....my littlest fears."